Sorry, folks. Forgot to update last night. Things are really starting to get stressful and I feel like I'm being pulled in five different directions.

Well, the wife pulled a fuckin' rabbit out of her hat. Maybe. She called Pine Tree, the apartment complex that we had visited on Wednesday and found out that they have a 2/1 on the ground floor with a screened in porch for $720 a month. We can definitely afford that. Even though it's a bit smaller than we'd like, we've decided that we can stay there for a year, and then move up to something bigger. By then I will have gotten at least one more raise, and we will have releived at least some of our debt, if we haven't declared bankruptcy, at which point we will have no debt. So, it looks like we have found a domicile. Now, we just have to figure out a moving date, get them to hold it for us and come up with, probably, $2160. That's not too bad really. By the time we're thinking about moving in, I will have received 2 paychecks ($1891.20) and I will, hopefully, have a big bonus from the trip to Oshkosh (at least $1000). I got $890 something in '98, and then last year I got $1000, so I'm hoping this year it's either $1000 or maybe more. Here's hoping.

Of course, life isn't all good news. This morning before leaving for work, a process server came to the house to serve me/us with the foreclosure documents. We have 30 days to respond in writing, but I think that's only if we want to be heard in court and fight it. I'd rather say, hey, wait a month or so and we'll leave and you can HAVE the fuckin' house. Either way, it's coming down to seriousness. I got really bummed this morning because I think it finally hit me how real this is. Damn. I'm starting to get a bit nervous. I don't mind them taking the house back, they can fuckin' have it, I just don't want them to take anything else. Wages and shit like that. Again, here's hoping.

I was reading Uberhamster's diary about his family life when he was young. He had it pretty rough, not, I'm sure, as rough as some, but much more rougher than I ever did. And he seems to be a pretty normal guy. He seems kind, very intelligent, and open. I wonder then, what the fuck happened in my family life to make me the sick, twisted fuck that I am? Yes, kiddies, you're old pal Icebear is pretty sick. If you knew some of the things I'm into, you'd probably never come back to my diary. Oh, I'm not talking sick-violent, I'm talking more along the lines of sick-sexual. It is odd, though. I was telling my friend RivetGrrl that I'm into some sick stuff sexually and she started asking me "Are you into such and such?" and I'd be like "No". This went on for like 10 questions and most of them, if not all, I answered no to. So, maybe I'm not as sick as I think. But, I do know that I'm into some shit that would freak most people out.

I've had memberships to websites that can't be hosted in the U.S. because of the content they show. Some of you might be able to guess what some of them might be, but I'm not going to divulge any or give anymore information. We'll just leave it at that. Another thing is that I am severely anti-religion. I'm not a church burner or anything like that, but I kind of go out of my way to make sure people know. I guess I can't really call myself a satanist either, but if I have to be put into the category of either Christian, or Satanist, I guess I'd have to settle for the latter. I'm into a lot of black metal and dark imagery and shit. I don't sacrifice animals or anything though. It's more of an attitude.

My family life was pretty tame. I'm the youngest of 2 children, one boy (me) and one girl. My sister, who just turned 32 last month, is about 3½ years older than me. Our parents are still married after something like 36 years and will probably remain so until they die. They are devout christians and attend church every Sunday and Wednesday, and when we were young were pretty forceful with it, but not to the point of smothering. My father, who's had numerous different jobs is about 6'2" and is kind of heavy. My mother, who has worked for the government in the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers for the past 20-25 years is about 5'1" and is also a little heavy. That, I think is where I get my body shape from. I'm about 5'9" and I weigh in, right now, at about 270, which is almost 100 lbs overweight. My sister on the other hand is the oddball. Ever since I can remember she has been skinny. They used to take her to petite shops and she still had a hard time finding stuff small enough. She wasn't anorexic or anything, she ate like a fuckin' horse, she just NEVER put on weight. She's also very beautiful. She's always been pretty, and I've always been the dumpy, pudgy little brother. You might think I hate my sister, but I don't. Yes, at times during our youth, we had fights and I'd hit her with shit or she'd hit me (or tell on me, which was worse than getting hit), but what siblings don't do that? Quite the contrary, I love my sister very much and would do anything for her that she asked. So why am I the way I am?

Some would say that my anti-religious feelings would stem from my parents forcing me to go to church as a child. They may be right, but I don't know. I don't remember hating church, sure, I hate going, but once there, I didn't hate the place or the people, I was actually indifferent. Except that is for a short stint later on towards the end of high school. During my sophomore or junior years up to my senior year, I was very active in church. I was a little bible banger. I was a leader in our youth group and participated in prayer groups at school and shit. I was a little angel. So what made me change?

School environment may have had something to do with it. Who knows. All through elementary school, things weren't too bad. I had thick-ass glasses and braces by the first grade. That brought some teasing, but not much. By the third grade, I lost the braces, but still had glasses. By eighth grade, I had lost the glasses, replaced with contacts and was actually starting to develop. That might have been the beginning of it. See, I come from a very small town in the middle of Missouri. Our school system was a bit different than others. We had 2 elementary schools. One located in the city called the North school. All the kids that lived in or around the city (within a certain distance) went to this school. Then there was another school, just a bit smaller, out in the countryside called the South school. This school was attended by all the kids who lived on farms way outside of town and such. There was no middle school, each elementary school went K through 7. After seventh grade, all the kids went to the high school, which was placed sort of "in the middle" of the two elementary schools. So we went from "ruling the school" in seventh grade to being peons at the high school. It was around this time that I began to fall in love, or so I thought.

When I entered the eighth grade, my sister was a senior. This was the time I fell in love with Tanya. She was in my sister's class and I was head over heels for her. Of course, she wouldn't give me a second thought. This kind of tore me up, not much, but just a little. I'll go into more detail about my infatuation some other time. After they graduated and I moved up to be an official "Freshman", my infatuation had changed. Tanya was gone, replaced by "Squeaky" (yes, it's a nickname). Again, I was head over heels, and actually went to the trouble (and later shame) to write her a love letter. She was a sweetheart though and spurned me gently and nicely. I was heartbroken, though. After that, my sophomore year, I decided that older women weren't working for me, why not try younger women. Needless to say, that never worked either. Until my senior year when I met Katrina. I've already told that story though, so no use wasting time again. But see, my life in school never really was that terrible. What caused my dramatic change from nice, christian boy, to angry, dark, brooding, satanic man? Who knows. It's a mystery of life I guess.

Now, I don't want all of you reading this (if you still are) thinking I'm some freak who paints black around my eyes and wears a big upside-down cross and attacks anyone who wears/says anything remotely religious because I'm not. To be frightfully honest, I'm kind of like a serial killer (although I'm not a killer). I appear normal. I'm quiet, kind to my friends and most everyone else, it's just that, when I'm alone, I have some pretty sick thoughts and yearnings. I don't want to plunge the world into darkness or kill all the firstborn and burn down churches and kill all the pastors and priests. But, I will get in your face if you try to shove your religion and beliefs in my face and trust me, I won't back down.

Man, has this been a meaningless rambling entry. Damn. To be honest, I consider myself to maybe not be a sick "person", but I have some sick interests. They're probably no where near as bad as I think, I may be miniscule compared to some people. And if it's true, so be it. I did, however, get a 32% Pure on a purity test so I know I have some freakish qualities. Anyway, sorry to have wasted all of your time with this rambling. Maybe I should start "preparing" my entries before I write one. Outline them or something instead of just opening up D-land and typing. Oh well. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"

Icebear

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