Shit, I really don't know what to write about. I haven't had much go on today to really talk about. I covered from Friday till yesterday in yesterday's entry, so there's nothing to really "look back" on. I think I'm going to tell you about one of the most horrible times in my life. You wanna hear that? Hmmmmmm?

Tough shit.

After a horrendous first year of college back in 1990, I spent the summer drugged out of my skull on anti-depressants and sleeping 18 hours a day (anti-depressants aren't fun). After the summer that never was, I decided not to go back to University #1 and went, instead to a Community College in a town not far from home. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I made. I had to retake classes that I took at U #1 and had failed, but this time I aced them. Better teachers and better learning environment.

Anyway, I got my Associate of Arts degreen in 1½ years and then headed on to University #2 to finish my BFA. Odd thing, though. I "officially" graduated from Community College (from now on referred to as CC) in December, but their "official" graduation ceremony wasn't until the end of Spring in May so I actually had to come back after the Spring semester to go through graduation. That was, if I wanted to...which I did.

It was at this time, while attending U #2 that I met a girl through friends of mine who happened to be attending U #1. We would see each other on weekends and call each other all the time, but it was hard to keep up a relationship because U #1 was almost a 2 hour drive on the interstate from U #2. Anyway, we dated for about 5 months, which is the longest I'd ever dated anyone before I met the angel that is my wife (and I only dated her for about 2 months). Anyway, I was getting pretty serious with this girl, things were going really well.

Her father drove a truck and over the summer he took his wife with him and their youngest son to a relatives, so that left me, her and the oldest of her 2 brothers at their house. I actually lived out there with her for a while. But things wouldn't last, I was to find out.

One night, during the next school semester, I think, things are kind of hazy because I've tried pretty hard to block this entire time out of my memory, I get a call. I'm back home at my parents house on a break or something and I get a call from her. She's still in school at U #1. It's like 3 AM and she's all upset and crying. It takes me about 30 minutes to get her calmed down so she can talk and I ask her what's wrong but she won't tell me. Finally, after a lot of cajolling, she breaks down and says "I was raped". Now that I think about it, I don't recall that she ever SAID she was raped. She said something about a guy forcing her or something about sex and then I used the word raped and she went along. I didn't realize that until now.

Well, being the loving, wonderful boyfriend that I am/was, I get dressed, pack a small bag and haul ass the hour and 45 minutes it takes to get there and arrive an hour or so before dawn. She meets me at the entrance to her dorm with a friend from her floor. We go up to her room and I lay down with her on her bed, neither of us sleeping too much or too well.

The next day, I tell her she needs to tell the campus police and at least file a report. She won't go into the details of what happened that night and I don't really want to hear them. After about 2 hours of almost fighting, I finally convince her to go to the campus police. As she speaks with a rape counselor, I pace back and forth in the lobby. It's like Sunday so there's no one else there except the cop behind the desk. If he's even a real cop. I notice that he keeps giving me these odd looks like he can't decide if I'm the one who raped her or not. I finally turn to him and say, "I didn't do it. She called me at 3 AM this morning and I've only been here since about 5." With that he kind of mellowed out, but I got more pissed. After about an hour, she comes back out, looking a bit better, more relieved and we head back to her dorm. Since I have class the next day, I tell her that I'm sorry, but I have to leave. She's cool with it, says her friends are going to take care of her and I head home. Needless to say, I'm out for blood at this point.

Weeks go by and we try to put it in the past and forget about it, but as we near the end of the semester she calls me saying that they're having a hearing on such and such a date at U #1. Turns out that that's the exact same day that I have graduation ceremonies from CC. Perfect. Well, we get up early, dress nicely and head to U #1. It's a weekend so it's pretty quiet. As we go to the building where they're having the hearing, my heart is beating a mile a minute. I'm hoping I get to see this asshole, get to confront him, but at the same time I hope I don't because I know I'll fuckin' kill him. I will literally beat him down.

I guess I got lucky. We get to the right floor and are led to a suite of offices for like "Womens Studies" or something. I'm told to stay there while she's taken down to a room at the end of the corridor alone. I pace, I drink some coffee, I make small talk with the ladies there. One of them tries to get me to open up about what happened and maybe "counsel" me, but I tell her that my girlfriend never told me what happened. She says she understands and drops the subject. I pace more and start to get aggrivated. About 30 minutes or so later, my girl comes back in and when I see her, I almost died. She's all upset and crying and she just looks so beaten. I go to her and the women lead us to a private office where we can sit and collect ourselves. Fat chance.

After getting her calmed down, I ask her what all happened. Apparenlty, she was in the room all alone, with no support, but this asshole was in there with his parents AND a fuckin' attorney. His attorney was a woman and apparently just began attacking my girlfriend saying that she wanted what happened to happen and all this. I was furious. They literally had to hold me back from running down that hall, kicking the doors open and beating the living shit out of everyone. I finally calmed down and we were told that we could go. Apparently, they were finishing up taking the boys' statement and they would make a decision and let us know. I was beginning to get pissed again, but just wanted to get out. And that's when the world went to slow motion.

As we left the suite of offices, apparently, they were done in the "hearing" room. We had no more exited the room and started for the elevator across the hall than the door at the end opened up and the prick, his fuckin' whore attorney, and his parents came filing out. Now, I'm not sure if they were there because of us or what, but before looking down the hall, I did notice that there were 2 cops at the elevator door. Hell, they might have been security guards for all I know, I just remember seeing 2 guys in uniforms.

As I slowly turn to the end of the hall, I see the woman attorney step out, and then this young frat boy lookin' mother fucker following her with a huge shit eatin' grin on his face. He was still in the door way but I could see his mother past him, she actually looked upset and was looking at the back of his head like she didn't know who he was, but the father, and this is where I lost it, was standing next to him with a big-ass smile on his face, patting his son on the shoulder. He was looking at his dad and smiling and then, in slow motion both he and the lawyer turned their attention to the end of the hall. At the same time, it started to dawn on me what I was seeing. Apparently at the same time, the 2 cops turned and saw the people coming out and then one turned back to me. Nothing existed but that hallway.

It began to dawn on the lawyer who she was seeing and her eyes got wide and she started to open her mouth and point, her eyes moving to the cops. Now, I wasn't playing football anymore at this time, but I was taking a bodybuilding class, I was bench pressing over 300 lbs. and was in pretty good shape. I had long hair pulled back in a ponytail, and the jacket of the suit I was wearing was too small so I looked pretty intimidating (if I do say so myself). The lawyer started to raise her hand and push the boy back into the room. He saw me and his eyes got wide and he froze. I let go of my girlfriends hand and started to move toward the end of the hall. That's when the first cop got in front of me with his nightstick and tried to block the hall.

As the lawyer kept trying to push the boy back, I stared pushing the cop down the hall with me and was starting to get around him. If I had broken loose, I was sure at that moment that I would rush this punk at the end of the hall, push him back into the room and beat the living shit out of him right there in front of his parents. I guess he was lucky that the second cop was quicker than his partner. Cop #2 got in my face with his nightstick and held me up enough for his partner to get back with him and they both proceded to push me back to the elevator. The mother was gone from view and I could see the father, a look of sheer terror on his face trying to pull the prick back in while the lawyer pushed. He just stood there, frozen, the fuckin' pecker. I started to push back against the cops because I knew he was too surprised to move, and I was actually moving them back, when my girlfriend called my name.

"Icebear!" Don't worry about him. Let's just go. At that, my energy left me and the cops pushed me back to the elevator and down we went. We were basically silent all the way to CC and I wasn't too into graduation. It wasn't too long after that that things between us began to sour and we ended up breaking up. Sadly, I think it was on the day of our 5 month anniversary that we broke up. But, that's not the only reason that it was the most horrible time in my life. Not by far.

This is actually getting pretty painful to recall. I think I'm going to stop there for now. I might finish up the rest later tonight, or I'll do it tomorrow. Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging. I just need to take a break from this and get my mind around it again. I've worked so hard to block it out and now it's coming back almost too easily. I need to take a break. Stay tuned beloved friends, I'll return.

"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"

Icebear

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