Hmm.... Let's see. Where was I? Oh yeah. In my last entry I was explaining about how my wife was cheating on me...sorta. I mean, sorta cheating, not sorta explained. Anyway, go read that entry first. Don't wanna have to recap.

So, to continue. She basically admitted that she had fallen in love with this guy she met on SWG. She didn't mean for it to happen but it did. She also said that she still loved me and wasn't going to leave me for him. Well, that's a relief. No, instead, she was trying to convince him to move down to Florida from Canada. Yeah, you read it right. She was talking to him about moving down here. She even went so far, once, as to suggest he live with us! Fuckin' live with us! I almost lost it.

With tears in her eyes, she looked over at me and said, "I'll stop talking to him and delete my character if you want." That puts me in a real shitty position. If I say what I'm kind of feeling and tell her to do it, then she will, but she will resent me for it, probably forever and we'll be miserable. He, like I fuckin' care how he feels, will resent me, be depressed and who knows what. But, if I don't make her do that, leave things as they are, then I feel like shit knowing what's going on between them, and we're still miserable. I just tell her I don't know and leave it at that for now. I can't really think too straight. My mind is racing a million miles a second. I have no idea what to do.

After we discuss things a little, I get calmed down and things sort of return to normal. That is, until she gets back online later and starts up with him again. Of course, she let's him know what's going on and he starts getting all bummed and not talking to her, which makes her mad. And I couldn't even help feeling, somewhat, that she was mad at me more than mad at him. Like, if I had never found out, then he'd be talking to her and none of this shit would have happened. I started getting mad. If you've been reading me for a while, or gone back through old entries some, you'll know about the history my wife and I have with me going to porno sites. For you newcomers, it's basically this... Before I met my wife, I went to porn sites regularly. After we met, I still did it, but to a lesser degree. She didn't really seem too worried about it. Then, all of a sudden, she started having issues with me going to sites. She would forbid me to go and look at adult web sites. She started checking my computer everyday to see if I had gone to sites, even checking my e-mail. It had become like an addiction for me, and to be forbidden to do it only made it worse. So, I started 'sneaking' to web sites. Clearing my cookies and history after going, but somehow she still found out. Things would really blow up then. She'd take off her wedding rings and leave them and threaten stuff like taking the kids and leaving (but not after causing me some physical harm). Even though she denies it, I think she put some kind of spy software on my computer. As a test, I downloaded some photos from a female bodybuilder's site. I save them to a floppy then cleared my cache, erased my history, cleared out recent documents and everything. Then I took the disks and put them in a box with about 20 others, all the same and no label. I came home from work the next day and lo and behold, there were the disks sitting on my desk. She was in the bedroom, the door locked, crying and I spent the night on the couch. How in the hell did she find them? How did she even know to check for a floppy? I hadn't used a floppy disk for ages. It had to be some kind of spyware. But, I digress. She would do this because I went to an adult website. Now, I didn't talk to these women. I didn't send them e-mail. I didn't have any contact with them at all. I just looked at pictures and she would threaten divorce and everything. But what about when the tables are turned?

She openly admitted to saying sexual things over the private chat on SWG, plus I went and read them. She openly admitted to being in love with him. I have chat logs where she's even saying how much she loves him, but do I get mad? Do I threaten divorce? No. I actually try to accept it. I even go online to SWG, make a character on a galaxy (server) that he's on and we game some. She keeps wanting me to talk to him, become buddies, saying, "I know if you got to know him, you guys would be good friends" and stuff. What? If this had been me, she'd be having a goddamn cow. She'd be out the door with the kids so fast, her wedding ring would still be spinning while she backed out of the driveway. But it's not me, it's her who cheated. And now, it's like she's expecting me to accept it. To go along. Well, I fuckin' can't. When I mention this to her, how things would be different were the roles reversed, all she can say is, "I know" and look down. But does she stop talking to him? No. And believe it or not, things got worse from there.

Working the graveyard shift, I sleep during the afternoon/evening and then get up around 9:30 to get ready for work. Well, she gets online and gets on the game and, of course, runs around with you-know-who. She talks to him on Ventrilo, too. So, sometimes I'll get woken up by her talking or him saying something, or I'll wake up to get ready to find her messaging him or talking to him. Most of the time, it's game related shit, but there's always a few messages in there that aren't. I was getting fed up with this. She was even doing it in front of our oldest son, Monkeyboy, who likes to sit and watch her play. I doubt he would catch the typewritten messages, but he could hear what was said over Ventrilo. One night, I got up in a bad mood. I hadn't slept too well, she was online talking to him and Monkeyboy had done something that just added the icing to the cake. I can't recall exactly what right now, but needless to say, I was in a bad mood. So, I left much earlier than I needed to, I just wanted to get out. Didn't give her her customary kiss (which she usually chases me down for if I try to leave and haven't given her one, but she didn't even flich this time), slammed the door on my way out and squealed the tires as I left for work. That whole night at work was hell. I wanted to tell people at work about it, but couldn't bring myself to say anything so I just sat there and stewed, thinking about what I would do when I got home. The next day, after work, I didn't really want to go in the house, but couldn't put it off any more.

She had gotten the boys up and ready for school and then fell back to sleep after I had gotten home. I let her sleep and logged onto her character to see what they had said over the course of the evening. I had given up checking on MSN messenger too much becuase, since she knew I was reading it, they had switched to using the MSN audio feature. There's no log kept of that so I wouldn't know what they said to each other. They also had Ventrilo, but unless they set up a separate, private channel, other people from guild mates to quest buddies would hear what they're saying. I'm not saying they didn't do that, there were times when she would bring up the Ventrilo window and I'd see that they were in a channel by themselves, but didn't know if it was a private one or just one that no one else had come into yet. Anyway, I get logged into her character, scroll up and start reading. And it started all over again. My heart started beating real fast and I had a hard time breathing. I couldn't believe what she had said to him.

Apparently, she had been kind of quiet after I left becuase he asked her if anything was wrong. She starts off by telling him that I'm being an asshole. Yup, she said I was being an asshole. She also said I was childish because I was mad and had stormed out. Um...FUCK!! Wouldn't you be a bit mad too if you found out your wife was in love with another man and after you confronted her about it, she went on "seeing" him anyway? Hell yes you would be. She also went on to say I was being a fuckin' hypocrite because I had gone to adult websites when she didn't want me to and it was the same thing. BULLSHIT!! It's no where near the same. I looked at some pictures and a few movies and that's it. I never had any contact with any of those women and I certainly didn't fall in love with them. I will admit that, in the past, I'd made a couple of mistakes and had sex with married women, but it was just sex. I didn't fall in love with them. I do regret what I did because I can understand how their husbands would feel. Well, one of them at least, the other one was cheating on his wife at the same time she was cheating on him so...go figure. Anyway, I confronted her again. Did she really think that? Did she really think I was being an asshole, childish? She started backtracking, saying she was mad when she wrote that and was venting but she didn't really mean it. But that's not all.

Earlier, I read where she was saying in a reply to him about what they should do, that she "...just needs to appease me until I calm down..." Appease me? What the fuck does that mean? Lie to me, make me think one thing when you're feeling something totally different so I'll "get over it"? When I asked her about that, she just said that appease probably wasn't the best word. Damn right. Anyway, she went back down that path about deleting her character and never talking to him again if that was what I wanted. And again, I was so amped up on anger and adrenaline that I didn't know what to think or say. So, I just said, "I don't know", shrugged and tried to think. After a while things calmed back down and life went on. Sort of.

About a week ago, I got online, loaded my character that's on the same galaxy as him and looked him up to do some space missions. Now, I hate Ventrilo. I don't like talking on it even though it's much easier than trying to type in a chat window. I just don't like doing it. She, however, keeps urging me, "turn Vent on...turn Vent on it's easier", so I finally do. She comes over and sits next to me to watch me play, but, now that I think about it, she probably came over just to hear him talk (she LOVES his voice) and see any typed messages we sent to each other. She probably wanted to make sure I wasn't sending him shit over chat. The whole time, he's bitching about his DSL not working right and the fact that he hasn't gotten his new modem like he was supposed to and shit. He's also talking to other "buddies" from a different galaxy that he does shit with and one of his guildmates. Around this time, the computer decides to take a shit on me...not literally...and I crash. I restart, reconnect to the internet and open Ventrilo so I can let him know what happened. Vent loads much much faster than SWG. As it comes up and I'm waiting for SWG, I hear him tell his guild buddy that he's going to log from the server I'm on and go help his buddy. What? When I finally get back on, he doesn't say anything to me, just sends me a message that he has to help his buddy and has left. This pissed the wife off big time. I mean, really pissed. I actually felt good. It was like, no one does that to her man!!! You go girl. But it wouldn't last.

She spent a few days giving him the silent treatment. When he would message "I love you" and shit, she wouldn't reply. But, he didn't really notice her silence that much so she finally came out and told him that she was mad at him and why. She wanted him to apologize to me. I was pleased. But, like I said, it didn't last. She was still going on missions with him, he was still sending her licks and all kinds of bullshit and things weren't really that much different than before. Did he ever apologize to me? FUCK NO! He just sent her a 4 line e-mail on the lines of, "...are you still mad at me, you didn't reply to my i love you, i deserved it..." and that was it. And she took that as an apology! Can you fuckin' believe it. It wasn't even sent to me, it was sent to her. She shows it to me and says, "See? He knows he was wrong and he's sorry." And it was like "all better". She started talking to him again just like before. I couldn't believe it, and I still don't.

And to this day, she still "sees" him every day and talks to him. She even knows that it aggrivates me. She'll be on SWG and I'll come over and ask her who she's talking to and she'll be like, "I'm not talking to him". She even got worried about him a while back because he passed out on the way to work. Apparently, he was upset about her not talking to him and wasn't sleeping too well and passed out on the way to work. She was all worried about him and now, she keeps an even closer eye on him and is always telling him to go to bed and that he's up too late. He wasn't upset that he's possibly fucking up a marriage or about what kind of pain he might be causing me. No, he was bothered because she wasn't talking to him much anymore. Shit. Well, his plan worked, she's talking to him plenty now.

I don't know what to do. I've thought about changing the login password to SWG and not telling her so she can't get on, but that would just make her mad and we'd have yet another fight about this. She knows how I feel, but I don't know if she really cares too much. I had thought, briefly, about having the internet connection shut off, but that would be worse than changing the password. Plus, she'd probably just call Verizon back and have it redone in her name. Other than that, there's only one other option and I don't even want to think about that one. I get nauseous and sick just thinking about it. I don't want to get divorced. I don't want that to happen. Believe it or not, I still love her. I'll never love another woman. I gave her my heart and I only have one to give. It's gone now, I can't give that to anyone else, no matter if I wanted to or not. I need to stop thinking about this for now. It's too upsetting.

If anyone is actually reading this, let me know what you think. What would you do in my shoes, eh? I've set up a new guestbook, my old one got shut down, so go and let me know what you think. Ok? Say whatever you want, I don't care.

Till later. Take care.

Da 'Bear

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