"I knew this girl once who...w-well, she broke my heart. But I used to say that the pieces of my broken heart were so small that they could be passed through the eye of a needle." That quote is from the movie A Knight's Tale where the main characters are remembering the women who have shit on them. I kind of feel like that now.

As I said in my previous entry, my wife is kinda sorta cheating on me. I know, you're wondering how someone can kinda sorta cheat on someone, right? Well, let me 'splain.

We've both been active on the online game Star Wars Galaxies (SWG) for the past few months. I have an account and my wife has a character on that account (you can have up to 10). You can only have one character per "galaxy" or server, so we can't play together. She either plays her character, or I play one of mine. We can't be on at the same time. This wasn't really much of a problem. She's very good at making friends online so she quickly gained friends on her galaxy and was running off on hunts and the like and having a good time. I'm a bit slower on that end, so I ended up having to do a lot of stuff solo. There are a lot of things you can do solo, but sooner or later, you need friends. Anyway, the game also lets you get "married". One day while she's on, she asks one of her quest buddies if he wants to get married (as a joke). He says ok so they do it. I didn't think much about it...it's part of the game. It doesn't mean anything.

After a while, however, I started noticing that she kept mentioning him a lot and was spending a lot of time doing stuff with him. She was spending less and less time with her guildmates and more and more time with him. I also noticed that they were conversing outside of SWG on MSN messenger. Again, didn't think much of it. Then, I started getting nervous and getting a weird feeling in my gut which I didn't like. I went into Trillian, our IM program, clicked on his username and brought up their chat history. What I saw stopped my heart...literally.

At first things were innocent. She explained that it was my account but she was using it so the name meant nothing. They talked about basic stuff, nothing big. Then I started noticing that he was sending her odd things like (L) and (K). What are those? I found out that they mean things like "lick" and "kiss". Still, nothing to really get bent out of shape over. She's cybersexed with other people before, not THAT big a deal. Yet. Then, as I scrolled down further, I came to the items that really affected me. He started telling her he loved her. Kind of caught me off guard, but what really hammered the nail home was that she replied to him the same way! She would say she loved him, he would say he loved her more and she would tell him "nope, not possible". I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do, it was all so surreal, like it wasn't happening. But it was.

Then I went onto SWG while she was asleep and logged onto her character. Everything she said in her chat windows since her last logon was still there. It was then I read things that really made the bottom fall out of my world. He kept sending her "action" messages saying "XXXX licks you" and stuff. She would return that with, "You give XXXX a gentle kiss on the lips" and "You profess your love to XXXX". They were even making up there own. One I saw said "XXX deep throats XXXX" and the like. My heart was racing and the world was spinning. I kept reading and came across more of the "love you more" type stuff. I basically shut down.

The next few nights at work were hell. Before leaving for work, she'd be online and talking to him. She downloaded a program, at another friends urging, called Ventrilo, which allows them to talk over the 'net while playing. So, not only was she "talking" to him in the chat windows, she was also talking vocally to him. All of this right in front of me. She made a point to never tell him she loved him out loud while I was around, but she would type it into the chat windows. She knew I was right there behind her, but they would go on messaging each other like before. It was a slap in the face. Just thinking about it makes my entire body start shaking. But that's not the end of it.

I finally confronted her about it one day. I had come home from work on the graveyard shift, checked her chat and messaging and just shut off completely. I couldn't be in the house, I had to go somewhere. I wanted to be anywhere but here. I took off my wedding ring, and ran some errands. I left my ring sitting by the keyboard where I knew she'd see it. After running my errands, I got home and had a bit of a chat with our neighbor, who had come and mowed our yard for us. While talking to him, she came out with some clothes for Icebear Jr. The school had called, he'd peed his pants and she wanted me to take them to him. Before I left, she asked why I had taken my ring off. I told her we'd talk about it later. When I got back, she was sitting on the bed crying, looked up at me and said, "Why?". So, I told her, but only about the MSN messages. I told her about, how when I read what they had said, my heart stopped. She kept crying, but did something that will probably hurt forever. She said, "I never meant for this to happen." She admitted that she was in love with him!! How can this be? You're married to ME!! ME!!

Well, I've got to stop for now. Dredging all this back up is really painful and I don't want to go on anymore right now. I'll try to come back later or tomorrow and finish it. Oh yeah, it's not finished by a long shot. But I'm tired, I haven't been to bed and I have to work again tonight. Besides, just thinking about this again is bringing back all the things I felt then and it's very draining. It's very hard.

So, I shall return.

Da 'Bear

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