No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I just cannot get out of this fuckin' depression I've been in for the past month or so. Some days are better than others but I never seem to be making any progress.

For example, I had a rough day today with the kids, so this evening I went to a movie to try and have a break. Some alone time. I went to see Bad Boys II. It was a really good movie. Plenty of violence and bad language and car chases and shooting and blowing shit up. Plus, it was also really funny. But after it was over, I was already starting to sink back down before I'd even left the theater. By the time I got to the car I was back down to where I started.

I had thought that things couldn't really keep going wrong, but then again, welcome to my life. I found out yesterday that I'm more than likely not going to be able to get unemployment. It's not for sure, but according to the woman I spoke with, I shouldn't hold my breath. And the really fuckin' annoying thing is that it's pretty much all my fault. Because I didn't make any quarterly tax estimate payments last year (basically didn't pay taxes) then I didn't pay anything in to unemployment. Since I didn't pay anything in, I can't get anything out. Plus, if I read the information correctly, the most I could get would be $275 a week. To go from $925 a week to $275 wouldn't have really been that helpful anyway. But it really fuckin' sucks.

To add insult to injury, I couldn't even get the military interested in me. I saw a job listing for Law Enforcement & Intelligence with the Naval Reserve so I clicked over to their site and submitted a little application thing. I got an e-mail reply today (no phone call, just an e-mail) stating: "Thank you for visiting the Naval Reserve website. Your interest in the Naval Reserve is important to us. Unfortunately, based on the initial information you provided, your qualifications do not meet our current entrance requirements at this time." I don't meet their entrance requirements? I thought this was the fuckin' military? Isn't it a volunteer force? I didn't realize that they were being picky. Shit. Talk about feeling wanted by your country. My only other hope is a few city jobs I applied for yesterday. Today was the deadline so I'm hoping maybe to hear something back on Monday. If not, then I'll be forced to call the lady with the truck driving company and hope they're still taking my calls.

My former employers aren't making things any easier either. Since I work from home, standard practice has been to e-mail an invoice to my boss. He in turn turns it over to the accounting department, a check is cut and within 7-10 days, I'm paid. I normally send in my invoice around the 15th so that I can get it with time to get it in the bank and have it clear before the first. They've been really good about getting my checks out to me. Except for this last time. I sent my invoice in on July 15th. By the 25th, when I hadn't received anything I was getting a bit nervous. By the 30th, I was sending my bosses an e-mail asking if they knew if my check was sent. I finally got an e-mail from the big boss today telling me that he had my check and that he would FedEx it to me and I'd have it Monday. And then it hit me.

See, they eliminated my position on June 30, but they still wanted me to stay on through July to help with our Oshkosh coverage at the end of the month. Even though I've been looking for a new job, I'm still doing my work from the old one. Then comes our production cycle. Normally, AVweb will post the NewsWire Sunday evening, for Monday, and on Wednesday evening, for Thursday, with corresponding AVflash newsletters. Well, since Oshkosh is special, they changed the week around so that we'd publish for Monday as usual. Then we'd move the Wednesday night production to Tuesday and then add another one on Thursday night for Friday. Well, since the guy who took over putting this stuff together from me was going to be busy with writing and stuff, since he actually got to go to Oshkosh, I said I'd handle production. It had been a while since I'd done it, but once I got back into the rythm, things were cool. Sort of.

Sunday, I finished everything I thought I needed to finish, but then realized that I'd left some stuff out, but he took care of it for me. Then Tuesday night, the shit hit the fan. First off, I forgot that we had production that night until he called to tell me that it would be quite a while before he got everything to me. No biggie. I did all my other regular stuff and waited. And waited. And waited. It was close to midnight when I finally got it and jumped right in. I was barely started when all of a sudden my connection failed. My DSL was still connected to the internet, I just couldn't get to my work site. I could get to every other site on the net but the one I needed to get to. Luckily he could still get in, so he took over while I called our server people in Wisconsin and told them we had a problem. The programmer guy on the phone had me pinging servers and running trace routes and all kinds of things and we found out that, somewhere in New York, the connection was dying. We're not sure what caused it or why it was just that one connection, but it was fucking everything up. I sent him a copy of the trace route report and he dialed up their ISP. It's about 2:30 or so and he says he'll "call right back". So, I wait...and wait...and wait.

I keep trying to get back into the site, no joy. I keep checking e-mail, because that wasn't working either. No joy. Finally, about 4:30, I'm just about ready to pack it in when my e-mail "dings". I've got new mail! The connection must be back. It is! Yay. So, I call my partner in crime at Oshkosh, tell him I'm back up and what does he want me to do. I jump back in with both feet and we manage to get everything done and out by 6 AM. I come to find out later on the next evening, that the big bosses were asking about my connection trouble and if I stayed around after I lost it. I was getting the feeling that they were afraid I was going to be "disgruntled" and not do my work. I've also figured out that they've, in essence, held my paycheck "hostage". They waited until I had helped with all the Oshkosh coverage, like I said I would, and now they're sending my check. That's what irks me the most. The fact that they would even think I would do something like that. I told them straight out that I would stay on and help with the Oshkosh coverage and do whatever was needed of me. But they still didn't trust me. They had to do something like this. So, either this weekend or on Monday, after I've received my check. I'm going to send them both an e-mail. Nothing nasty or anything, but stating my disappointment and aggravation over the fact that they thought I would stoop so low. They've mentioned to me about making up some sort of rate card and still using me on a freelance basis and I'll just charge them by the hour or whatever. But, after this, I don't think I really want to be associated with them any more. Besides, I'm busy looking for a full-time job. When I find one, I doubt I'll have time to do any freelance stuff for them.

I just hope that, in the coming months, they run up against some big obstacles and realize their mistake. I'm not saying I'm this wonderful thing they should have held on to, but I can see that they have no back up plan regarding me. I don't even think the knew of all of the stuff I did. They're going to run into problems they didn't forsee and they won't have anyone to take care of them because I won't be around and they didn't plan on them. Serves them right.

The worst part is, unless I find a job soon, and even then it might not help, we'll have to move out of the house and back into an apartment. I really hate to do that because our landlord has been pretty cool, plus, I don't like breaking leases. He'd probably be able to sue us if he wanted, but I doubt he will, knowing we don't have anything to take. Plus, we've decided to try and repair what minor cosmetic damage has been done so that he won't have a big mess to fix. And we're also going to pay another months rent, plus he has a final month's rent as well, so he'd have like 2 months to clean it up and re-rent it. We'll have to wait and see.

Well, it's getting late. I was up last night working until 4:30 and then didn't sleep too well. This week is starting to catch up with me. I'm gonna crash.

Take care.

Da 'Bear

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