I'm in another one of those fuckin' moods. Down, depressed, bummed whatever the hell you want to call it. We got some great news today, but even that wasn't enough to last me all day long. I hate being like this. It makes me think of the Star Trek movie "First Contact". When they first find the Borg on the Enterprise and Data starts explaining the emotions he's feeling, Picard mentions that it might be a good idea to deactivate his emotion chip. *Click* He's all better. Picard glances over and says, "Data. Sometimes I envy you." I know exactly what he means. I wish there were times I could just deactivate my emotions, stop feeling. But, that's part of being human.

The good news today was that we found out, beyond any resonable doubt, that we're having a little girl. I was so happy, I almost started crying. From what I could see in the ultrasound, and I'm no expert, she looked perfect. Two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet and a big ole head, just like her daddy. While the tech was getting shots of her spine and such, we'd see her mouth open and close, like she was talking to us, and we even got a shot or two of her sucking her thumb. It was wonderful. Of coruse, it was kind of a bitter sweet moment. We found out that we weren't as far off on our guestimate of the date of conception as we thought, so there is still a risk of birth defects. It's a 1/210 risk, but a risk none the less. They had already scheduled an amniocentesis as well as the u/s but the wife didn't want to go through with it. I was a bit miffed, because I'd like to know now, not have to wait another 5 months, but in the end, it's her decision. She's the one who has to get stuck and everything so I respect her wishes. Besides, the baby looked wonderful in the u/s and she's very active so I think she's going to be just fine.

I'm still having a tough time of it on the job front, though. Figures. I mean, I'm trying, but I guess I could be trying a bit harder. My dad is really starting to aggravate me. He kept telling me to send my resume out and apply for anything that looked interesting to me. So, I applied for a couple of bank teller jobs. When I tell him about it all I heard is, "But bank tellers don't make much money." ARG! And to top it off, now I'm getting orders from my goddamn mother-in-law. We're over at the in-laws on Sunday and I mention that I downloaded the application packet for the Boca Police department. Before I can even get out the fact that I'd have to pass 4 different tests before I could even apply, my mother-in-law starts shaking her head and states, "You're not going to be a cop and get killed." Um...what? You're telling me what I'm not going to do? She automatically thinks that I'll join the Police Department and get shot and killed the first day. When I mentioned that they paid really well, she just said, "Oh well, you'll have to tighten up for a bit." For a bit? What if we can't even fuckin' pay rent?! If we get evicted, can we come and stay with her? Of course not! Her other daughter, the one that moved away with her loser, no-good boyfriend, is coming back (like we knew she would) and they'll be staying with her. Oh goody. Now I get to hear her bitch about her money problems and her "nigger" problems. I've got to get away from these people sometimes.

Two of the four tests for the Police Department are somewhat physical tests and I'm not in the best of shape. Hell, I'm not even in near so-so shape, I'm just in bad shape. But, if I thought I could do those tests tomorrow, I'd be down there doing them and applying for the Police Department. Just because she said I wasn't going to do that. She didn't say that she thought I shouldn't do that, she told me I wasn't going to do that. Like I was her fuckin' son or something. Fuck that. The only other worthwhile option is to join with a trucking company and be gone 3-5 weeks at a time. Yeah, she says to be tight now, but if we needed money and came to her for it, would she give it to us? Probably not. My wife's family just drives me fuckin' nuts sometimes. Shit, my family drives me fuckin' nuts sometimes.

I don't know what else to do. I've only heard back from about a third of the jobs I applied for and those were just basic auto replies, "We'll keep your application on file...blah blah blah". The only response that I've gotten that even seems like it could lead to employment is the trucking company job. Thing is, I'm kind of being forced to use that as a last resort kind of thing. So now my problem is, how long do I wait to pursue it? I have one more paycheck coming probably this week and it will cover rent for August, but then what? Plus, we have to make the first of about 10 $500 payments to the IRS next month. If I do go with the trucking company, how long after I get started do I have to wait to get paid? The wife's been getting hardly any hours the past few weeks so she's not hardly getting any money. We're starting to fall back into that whole we were just pulling ourselves up out of. Another thing is, what if I'm offered a job where I can stay here and don't have to go with the trucking thing. Will it pay enough for us to keep afloat? With $1130 in rent each month and $500 to the IRS right off the bat, that's almost $1700 that we'll need each month. That's not counting car insurance, phone bill, electric bill, water bill, cable bill, DSL bill and groceries. I'm going to need to be pulling in at least $2000 a month just to make ends meet and every job (except for the trucking job) that I've applied for falls quite a bit short of that. I guess we're just fucked then.

Well, it's almost 3 AM. Guess I'd better go to bed and try to sleep. Maybe I'll get lucky and my sleep apnia will do me in and then the wife can collect on my life insurance and be set for a while. Hey, I'm only kidding. Really.

Take care.

Da 'Bear

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