Hey, look at me, updating like a muhfugger. Shit, the things boredom will lead to, eh?

First off, I have to say, JD, you're my hero! Man, I wish I could be there to smile and laugh at that asshole right along with you. Heh. I'd pull that shit down here in Florida, but all you can see through the windows is white hair and nuckles. They'd never see you laughing at them.

I haven't really driven in a lot of places, but I have to say, in my experience, the drivers in Florida are the worst. At least 70% of them are well past the age of retirement and another 20% have either a Brazilian flag sticker, a Puerto Rico flag sticker, or a Cuban flag sticker on their car and barely speak the language. Nothing is worse than having some asshole cut you off, think it's your fault not his, and shout at you through the window at 100 miles an hour in some fucked up form of Spanglish. How the fuck did you get a goddamn license? You have to, at least, read some English to take the damn test. Of course, I keep forgetting. This is South Florida where the Cubans, Haitians and Brazilians actually outnumber the Americans. They all get jobs in the DMV and then give their "homies" breaks on the test. Meanwhile, my wife, who took driver's ed in school, and committed the crime of actually being born in this fuckin' country has to take the test 3 times. When I asked the big fat cow who administered the test (and subsequently drove my wife to tears when she failed her), she looked at me and said, "Chee nee to wor on cher tree pont trn." Excuse me, Charo, could you repeat that? "Chee nee to wor on cher tree pont trn." Ok, I'm getting the 3 point turn thing here, "Jes. Tree pont trn." She needs to work on her 3 point turn. Ok. And you need to work on your fuckin' accent. Broward Community College, English as a second language...check it out.

Ok, I can see this is going to lead into a rant so if you're easily offended...then what the fuck are you doing reading this thing. I'm going to at least start off and say, vehemently, that I am NOT a racist. I hate everybody, no matter what fuckin' color your skin is or where you're from. You could be Wong Ho from China, Luis Morales from Mexico, or Dave Stephens from Boise, but sooner or later, you're going to do or say something stupid to piss me off and get on my list. It's a fact of strife.

Ok, rant #1. After 9/11, there was a surge of American flag stickers appearing on cars. This I have no problem with. Before 9/11 there were tons of cars driving around with Brazilian flag stickers or stickers from whatever fuckin' country you ditched and this I really had no problem with. What I do have a problem with are these stickers that are a mix of the two. I've seen stickers that have the American flag on the left, then as it goes across, the stars and stripes blends into the Brazilian flag or, again, whatever shithole you escaped from. What gets me about this is that the flags don't look like flags. The edges of them are all "flamy" looking making them look like some sort of amoeba flags instead of a nice rectangular flag-like flag. Now, these are supposed to symbolize the "melding" of the two cultures. What do I see? It looks like a fuckin' virus overtaking a host. The American flag actually looks like a flag, squared off and such. Then the Brazilian flag, or what have you, melts in and it's all wavy and flamy and looks like something they scraped off the Outbreak monkey instead of a flag. It's like they're saying, "Yes, we are melding our two cultures together...and slowly taking yours over." If you are so proud of your goddamn country that you would plaster your car with stickers of it's flag for all to see, then why the FUCK did you leave in the first place. "Aye, Federico. We finally excaped from Brazil, that most horrid of South American countries. We were oppressed, we were poor and we had no future. Now we've come to America to start anew. Isn't this great? Now, get 4 of those Brazilian flag stickers and put them in prominent spots on the SUV. And don't forget that window flag." Fuck.

Rant #2. If you are going to go to all of the trouble to work your way to our country and actually stay here, then you should learn the fuckin' language! I took my sister-in-law to the WIC office so that she could get her welfare stuff to get formula and shit for her baby girl. I shit you not, she was the only white person there. The only one. Everyone else was either Latin, Hatian or some other *in that I couldn't tell. They had doubles of every flyer posted up in the office, one in english and one in spanish. There was on woman waiting in line with 3 kids. Not one, not two, but 3. They had to all be a year apart and no more. She was at the window and the receptionist, who must have taken manners courses from the Marquis De Sade, was asking her the normal questions. The woman was just staring at her. So, she asks them again using what I call the "immigrant speech", talking very slowly and loudly. This fuckin' woman, with her 3 kids, would just stand there, smile and then shake her fuckin' head. Finally, a woman steps out of line, walks up to the woman and jabbers at her in spanish. After some kind of response from the woman, she turns to Satan's receptionist and says some stuff in english, at least I think that's what it was, it was hard to get passed her accent. I think it was the same woman who gave the wife her driver's test. Anyway, after the translator, who has now moved her 2 kids up to the front of the line and has somehowe dragged 4 other women with her, past us, finishes, the receptionist starts over with the questions. This goes on for about 20 minutes until they finally stamp something, give it to her and send her off to wait in the super crowded waiting room. And that's not where it ends.

Once we finally get into the waiting room, I thought I had, literally stepped off the boat into South America. Spanish was flying at me from the left right and behind. Ahead of me were 3 women having a very heated argument in, what I assume was Haitian. No one was speaking english, except us. And what made it worse were the goddamn strollers. And before you say anything, no, I don't have a problem with babies in strollers. I think strollers are a godsend. There were times I would have been dead without a stroller. But they have a time and place. And one place they don't is in a crowded fuckin' waiting room with about a foot of walking space without the strollers. And these weren't just K-mart special strollers. There was a woman in there waiting, with a kid in a stroller, that probably cost more than my TV. I'm serious. This stroller had like, tundra tires (big fat tires), it had a movable handle so that you could push the stroller looking at the baby or set it so that the baby could see where you were going. It had all the bells and whistles. Sitting there, watching her feed the baby, stretch her legs out in her designer pants and wiggle her toes in her Prada shoes, I wondered. What in the FUCK is she doing here for welfare? She obviously doesn't need money? But, it's that whole, underground network at work again. White americans have to jump through hoops, fill out form after form after form, and some immigrant woman, fresh off the tire pontoon walks in, gets moved to the front and gets all that she needs and more. Sometimes, I think this world is really getting fucked from within.

Well, I've ranted enough. I could go on, but I should save that for another update. I usually have so little to talk about anyway. And if any of this pisses you off, well too bad. I hope that some of it makes you think. I'm not saying send everyone home, I'm not a hardliner. But I am saying, if we're going to bend over backwards to make things easy for the immigrants, then we need to bend over just as far to make things just as easy for the natives. I mean, come on. It's only fair.

Ok, I'm going to go and watch an HBO special on a whorehouse, more than likely under the very close scrutiny of the wife. Stay tuned, the entry about that will probably be good one...full of fireworks. Till then. Stay cool, but more importantly, stay out of Da 'Bear's way. It's safer. Heee.

Da 'Bear

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