So, since I've been gone from D-land for six months or so, I've been catching up on diaries. Well, mainly on Uberhamster's diary. I just really dig the dude...sue me. Anyway, I've decided that, in order to keep my readers, all 3 of them, then I need to update regularly. To do that, I need stuff to update about. Well, reading through Uber's diary has given me quite a few ideas of stuff to write about and I've been keeping brief notes about what I'd like to do for future entries. So, thanks Mr. Hamster (see...no P!!).

It was while I was reading about Lily and Uber's trials at Wal-Mart that I thought I'd do an entry on one of my aggravations. No, not shopping at Wal-Mart, that will come in a later entry, but shopping at Winn Dixie. Publix has the tag line, "Where shopping is a pleasure", but WD makes no such assumptions. They know it sucks to shop there, but they have pretty decent prices so we suffer. Plus, back around April or something they introduced the Winn Dixie customer reward card. It's a card you get FREE from WD. All throughout the store, they have products that are marked with special labels, offering special deals for all customers who have the card. For example, one such special was in the soda aisle. 12-packs of Coke products run about $3.39 each, but if you have the lovely black WD card, then you can get 3 for $8 or just under $2.75 each. Not bad. Problem is, most of the time, the stuff they have on special is either the cheap-ass, nasty generic stuff, or stuff we don't need.

The shopping experience, per se, isn't really that bad. We go to the same store 95% of the time so we know where everything we want to get is, so we can get our stuff fast and get out. Of course, this is usually made difficult by the tumult of parentless children who are scavenging the store, trying to see who can get the most coupons out of the little automatic coupon spitter-outer machines. These little devices are quite clever and extremely annoying. They're mounted up and down each aisle and each is filled with coupons for some item or other in that aisle. The little red plastic box has a small indention where you can see just a little bit of the coupon, just tempting you to grab it. "Go ahead. Get the coupon. C'mon, you know you want to. You don't even have to use it, just pull it a little. Come on, just a little." So, in curiosity, you stroll up, grab the edge of the coupon and pull very gently, with all intention of just seeing what it's for (mainly because the sample coupon on the outside of the machine has already been ripped off). Next thing you know...*whirrrrrrr* and zip, you've got a coupon in your hand that you have no intention of using. Luckily, the little machine is prepared for this with a little clear plastic bin on top of it to put the unused coupon. Of course, since it's clear, it must be hard to see...I mean, what other reason can you think of for the thin carpet of coupons blanketing the floor around the machine? But that's not the worst of it.

No, the worst part of the WD shopping experience is the check-out. Now, the Winn Dixie we go to is in a strip mall complex named Shopper's Haven. It's not much of a haven, though, because we've seen about 12 different business come in and occupy various spaces, only to fold and close back up months later. Currently, I think there is one huge space that's vacant and 2 or 3 smaller spaces free. Winn Dixie used to occupy the northernmost space in this mall, but the store had been there for years and was starting to show it's age. So, about a year or so ago, that store was closed and new, cleaner, more modern WD was opened up down on the southern end. This WD is larger and has some amenities that the old one didn't have such as 1-hour photo, deli, bakery and public restrooms. We liked this place. Of course, the check-out lines were monstrous even very late into the evening, but we dealt with it because it was a nice place. Then WD installed something that made our lives much much easier...and so much more annoying at the same time.

It's called self check-out and it's pretty self-explanatory. It's almost like the regular check out aisle, except in place of the crummy tabloids and candy, there's a touch screen monitor and bar-code scanner. They have 3 of these and the whole process is very very simple. As you walk up to the machine, it somehow senses your presence and even starts talking to you and TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO. You simply take items from your cart, one at a time, pass them over the scanner, and then place them on the conveyor belt. On the monitor, you will see the item you just scanned and the price, plus the machine will verbally tell you the price of the item..."Two fifty." After you scan your first item and each subsequent item, there's a large, hard to miss, RED button that is labeled "Finish and Pay". You simply touch this button, select if you want to pay by debit, credit or pay the cashier and you're done. When paying by debit or credit, you can even pay at the machine and bypass all the lines and aggravation of the cashiers. Simple, eh? You'd think.

I swear, every time we go to the store, when we go to check out, we get caught behind the lobotomy twins. Now, I'll admit that the system is not perfect. Every once in a while, you'll get an item that either hasn't been entered into the main computer, or causes the system a problem and you'll be told to set it aside and wait for assistance. All it usually requires is waiting for the cashier to come over, scan his/her card and then enter the item manually. This could take from one minute to about 10 depending on how many other people are using the self check-out and having the same problem. I've run into this myself a couple of times, but the people we usually get stuck behind take the cake.

The other day, I waited 15 minutes behind a pair of old ladies who had 4 items, all costing about $1.50 each. They had scanned everything, one of the pair had even bagged them up, but they were having a problem. I stood there, holding my 3 cases of soda and a few other heavy things while they spoke to each other in hushed tones and gestured vaguely. It wasn't until I finally got tired (as did my arms) and asked them if they needed help. Their problem? They couldn't find the Finish and Pay button that the machine kept telling them about! I felt like saying, "You mean this big red button here that's twice the size of all the others?", but I didn't I simply reached up, tapped the screen and said, "It's right here." I noticed that they were holding cash, so I went ahead and hit the "Pay Cashier" button to save them anymore confusion. They thanked me, sort of, and wandered to the end of the aisle to get their receipt, and as they walked off, I actually heard one say to the other, "They really should make that button more visible." I almost dropped a case of soda right on my foot. I couldn't believe it. And they're not the worst.

There are certain things in the store that don't have bar-codes, like produce. Well, how does the machine handle this? Simple. There's a large button marked "Produce/No Bar Code". By pressing this, you're taken to a display of nice little images in 4 rows of 4 or 5 showing pictures of all the produce in the store. Of course, they can't put everything on one screen, so you have to scroll through about 4-5 of them, but it's pretty easy to figure out. We're waiting in line one evening behind a couple, who was waiting behind another elderly pair. The elderly pair had scanned everything, but somehow had hit the "help" button instead of the finish button and were sitting there listening to all of the instructions of how to work the machine. The instructions said, very plainly, "To return to your order, touch the return button". Of course, this eluded them as Mr. Oldperson was being regaled by Mrs. Oldperson on how she knew he shouldn't have hit that button but he never listens to her. Thankfully, the cashier was not busy, since our lane was the only one open so she ran over, hit return and got them finished up. The slowly made there way out of the store with Mrs. Oldperson still ragging Mr. Oldperson about not listening to her. Then the couple ahead of us got to the machine. They only had 2-3 items, so we got ready to start scanning our cart and a half full of groceries. And then it happened.

Mr. Idiot sat down the basket they were carrying and took out their produce. He hit the "Produce" button and found the first 2 items rather quickly and passed them on down to Mrs. Idiot who was bagging their stuff. Then I saw his face take on an odd look, and he began to scroll through the produce screens. I was talking to the wife, playing with Icebear Jr. and trying to keep an eye on MonkeyBoy (our 6-year-old), when the wife caught my eye and nodded toward the guy at the register. It was then that I noticed that he'd scrolled through the produce screens and kept scrolling through them. He'd bring up a screen, stare at it for a good minute, shake his head, hit the next button, stare at the next screen intently for a minute, shake his head, hit the next button and so on. There are only like 4-5 different screens of produce before it starts over. What could he be looking for. I had no idea what it was he was holding in his hand, but I was hoping he found it soon. It was about this time that Mrs. Idiot saw us getting a bit antsy and moved down toward Mr. Idiot and asked what's going on, saying loud enough for us to hear, "I think these people are wanting to check-out, too, what's wrong?" He simply turned to her, blank look and all and asked, "What is this thing again?" WHAT? You're buying shit you don't even know what it is? Well, she gives him this, "you fuckin' retard" look and says it's such and such. At which point, he gets an attitude and says that it's not such and such because he'd already done that one. Then she says it's so and so. He again gets an attitude and says that it's not so and so because she told him not to get it. After another 10 minutes of arguing, the cashier calls a guy over from produce (because she could see where this was going) and he identified the item. Turns out, they didn't even want it in the end! Assholes! I was ready to stick the goddamn thing where it'd leave a permanent mark.

These machines are wonders for increasing expediency and cutting our time in the store dramatically, but they should come with some kind of warning. "You must have at least simian intelligence to use these machines" or something. I'd suggest an apparatus much like a metal detector, but it scanned your brain instead. If you weren't smart enough to use the self check-out, a very LOUD voice would say something like, "Please step back! You are of well below average intelligence and therefore are not allowed to use these machines." I mean, shit, MonkeyBoy can use these things better than some adults and he can't even read yet! It never fails.

Well, this turned out a lot longer than I had planned and I still have quite a few more stories I could tell. Maybe I'll sort through them and get a couple of real whoppers and use them for another entry in the future, after I've used up my "notes". I'm gonna go and fix something to eat, all this talk of food has made me hungry. TTFN!!

Da 'Bear

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