Have you ever done something that, at the time, seemed very romantic and the coolest idea you've ever thought of, only to look back on it later and see it to be extremely juvenile and stupid? Yeah, me too. Lots of times, but one in particular stings the most.

The other day I was watching MTV's Ultra Sound and the theme was Two Hit Wonders. One of the bands they had a short piece on was "Mr. Big", the group that did the song "To be with you". Soon as they started playing a snippet of the song, all the bad memories started flooding back in. Kind of caught me by surprise, and it wasn't a pleasant feeling. Is this a tale of love lost (more like love never gained)? Yes, sadly it is.

Back in 1992, while I was going to community college, I had a meeting with a "counselor/advisor". This advisor happened to be a woman. She happened to be a very attractive woman about 4 years older than me. I was instantly smitten. Yeah, big surprise given my track record, eh? Anyway, I went to see her about a scholarship I was going to receive for participating in the Fall and Winter drama productions at the school. The girl who had originally gotten the scholarship wasn't participating in one of the shows or something, a main requirement, so they were going to give it to me. Of course, I used this as an excuse to stop into her office all that I could. And then, I had a bright idea that would turn out to be the stupidest thing I'd done.

The advisor, I'll call her Suzanne (because I can't remember her name), it ends up grew up in the small town about 10 miles from my home town. She had been married to a guy that graduated the same year as my sister, who is 3½ years older than me, but had gotten a divorce and, rumor had it, that she wasn't dating anyone. Here's my chance, I thought. So, one night, I took a blank tape, placed it in my stereo and sat up till all hours of the morning pouring my heart out. Everything I wanted to say to her, everything I wanted her to know I felt I put down on this tape. I even kind of dug into her ex-husband a bit too. And, at the very end of the tape, I added a song. Yes, you guessed it, Mr. Big's "To be with you". Sick eh? More like...sad.

I held onto the tape for a while, not really having the courage to give it to her. Until, I couldn't take it anymore and I caved in. The community college was hosting a high school drama contest and I had volunteered to judge. I was still in pretty good shape then and was wearing just a pair of jeans and an Anthrax T-shirt that was about a size too small. I thought it made me look buff, and it sort of did. It basically had the same effect as putting brand new whitewall tires on a rusted out piece of shit car. Anyway, I carried my backpack around, since I'd been in classes all day, and I had the tape secreted away. Just as the last of the competitions were ending and everyone was miling about waiting for scores to be tallied, I saw Suzanne coming out of the main office in our building. It was now or never.

Shaking like a leaf, I confidently (work with me here) strolled up to her and started talking to her. She was in a hurry to get going so she paid me about as much attention as you would a gnat, but I wouldn't be put off that easy. As she knelt down to get her stuff, I stepped in front of her,knelt down to her level and said, "I've made this for you" and stuffed the tape into her bag. She smiled, said thanks and that she'd listen to it later and left. I felt like a 10 ton weight had been lifted off my chest. And replaced with a 100 ton weight. God, I had actually done it. I gave it to her. And she was gone so there was no getting it back. It was time to fish or cut bait and I was throwing my line in deep. I spent the rest of the contest fighting with anxiety and running every possible scenario through my head. I kind of liked the one where I was called to her office, she closes the door and then strips down to bra and panties, but I wasn't holding my breath for that one. Time would only tell.

I can't remember how many days went by, it was 8 years ago and my memory isn't working too well. It could have been the next day or it might have been a couple of days, but one day I get a note to go and see Suzanne in her office. As I strolled across the grass to the admin building, I had to keep pushing images of bras and panties out of my head. I knock on her door and get a stern "Come in and close the door." This does not bode well. It only took one look at the expression on her face and my heart fell into my shoes. Not only did she not care for the tape, but she was rather miffed. She calmly proceeded to explain to me that she was an administrator at a school where I was a student and that any kind of relationship would not be possible. She then went on to say that the comments I made about "Steve" were uncalled for and it was none of my business. I just sat there silently, nodded every now and then and then got up and left, moving stiff and jerky like an automaton. It wasn't until later that I found out the truth.

She had genuinely been flattered with all the affection and whatnot that I had poured over her. She actually relished it. It wasn't until she got to the comments about "Steve" that things changed. See, her ex-husband was named "Steve" and I had just made some comments about how he didn't know what he had and shit. Well, it turns out that she was secretly dating one of the professors at the college, and his name happened to be "Steve" as well. So, she took all my comments to be about him. Um...OOOOOPS! So, what might have been seen as a cute, post high school boy crush turned into a near-stalking and ended up costing me all the trust and friendship I had built up with Suzanne. I was only there another semester or so and then graduated and headed on to finish up at a 4-year university. Suzanne never spoke to me again after that. If she needed to tell me something, she just typed up a formal letter and had the school mail it to me, or give it to me during class hours. It always said at the bottom "office visit not required". I took that to mean, don't bother coming by, so I didn't.

So, when I heard that song a couple of days ago, the sting was pretty tough. After the Suzanne debacle, I broke the tape I had of the song (just a single) and threw it away. I hadn't heard the song since. It had been over 8 years and all of a sudden it's thrown right back in my face. But that's not all of the stupid stuff. When that song came on, without thinking, I blurted out "Oh does that bring back shitty memories". Before I had realized what I had said, the wife had turned from the computer, curious look on her face and said, "Why?" Oh, I was fucked now. So, I spilled the beans on the whole story. It wasn't fun, but it was a kind of catharsis. And what did the wife have to say about it?

"She was stupid for turning you down. I think it was very sweet. Very romantic." WTF? "I wish someone had cared enough to make a tape like that for me." I was dumbfounded. And we still argue over it today. I say it was a stupid, juvenile thing to do and she says that she thinks it's romantic. Say what you will, I look back on that time and think that I couldn't be happier if it had just never happened. If whatever it was I was judging at the contest had run over by 10 minutes or so, I would have missed her. If I had not had my book bag with me, I wouldn't have had the tape. If I had just held onto the damn thing and never given it to her, things would be better. But, the past is passed and there's nothing I can do to change it. At least I've learned from it.

As an update to this story, I went back to the community college in the Spring of '93 for the "official" graduation. I had technically graduated the December before but the ceremony wasn't until May the next year. It turns out that she had married the professor she had been dating and I think was pregnant. If not then, I know she became pregnant later. Oh well, it's a part of my past that I'd just as soon pave over. Maybe next entry I'll tell you about Tracy. She did more damage to me than almost anyone. Then again, maybe I'll leave that memory scabbed over. No sense picking at two wounds. Well, till next time. Take care.