I'm really slipping in updating aren't I? Well, I appologize, but I've been pretty draggy lately. My energy level's been pretty low. Anyway, I'm back now. I'll get into the story that I promised you guys here, but first, I've been thinking about something. I was sitting here looking at my layout and pondering. What am I, SatanBear? DarknessBear? DevilBear? No, I'm ICEBear. Why does my diary look like a Hell's Angel's handbook? The fact is, I don't really know. I guess I was trying to act tough and be "controversial" and shit. I'm not a Satanist, I'm not a fuckin' Christian either, I'm not really anything. So, with that said, starting with entry #145, I'm going to have a new layout that is more icey and less devilly. I'm sure you'll all want to stay tuned for that, eh? Hey, I've got to keep my readers somehow.

Ok, the story of Robbi (not her real name). The 'Bear is a real bastard and this story will probably prove why. First some background. After failing miserably in high school on the dating front and then continuing the trend on into my first year of college, I began to become rather disillusioned with reality. At the end of the Spring semester in '91, I spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric treatment unit for psychotic depression. The following summer is rather a blur due to the fact that I spent most of it in a coma-like state thanks to anti-depressants. The following Fall I transferred to a local community college where I spent 3 semesters and got my AA degree, after which I transferred, mid-year, to a four-year university. After a Spring semester and a summer semester, I decided that I wanted to take a year off, work and then try to go back. During this year or so off, I spent some time as a DJ at the local country radio station. It was also this time in my life that I began tilting at some major windmills.

Due to my past record with dating and with what happened here and here I began to step outside of reality. Meaning, I began to develop crushes on women that I had no chance in hell of ever even meeting, let alone developing a relationship with. The first, and strongest, of these crushes was Enya. I was listening to her first album and the song "Bodicea" just hit me. There are no lyrics, just gentle humming, but it moved me in ways a song never did. After that I became totally infatuated with her. I'm talking on a majorly serious, stalker-like level. I bought all her albums, I bought or copied any movie that had one of her songs in it (Toys, LA Story, Far & Away, Sleepwalkers, etc.), I basically became a freak. My best friend 'Topher called her my "Castle in the Sky". Basically meaning that she was something I had no possibility of attaining. Everyone I told about this infatuation ridiculed me. Not nastily, but that didn't matter. The didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, so it pissed me off. My parents called me childish, 'Topher started to crack Enya jokes just to piss me off, and other people that I talked to about it would think I was kidding at first, see my conviction and then get a horrified look on their face and call me "psycho". All, but Robbi.

During the time I worked at the radio station, I wrote poems. I don't consider myself a writer and I doubt any of, what I consider, my best poetry would hold a candle to the stuff that Sporkboy comes up with, but I wrote. I wrote long 1-, 2- and 3-page poems. I wrote short 3 line poems. It was like an idea would hit me and I'd just start writing, not knowing what I was writing until I was done. I think that, by the time I finally started getting over my infatuation (and no, I never really have), I had something like 40+ poems. I know, that doesn't seem like a lot, but this was over the course of like a few months. Anyway. I was working one Sunday and it looked like I might get done early. I would go in at like 6 AM and broadcast the local church's programs (first the Methodist and then the Baptist [my parent's church]), and if there was no football game, I was done. If there was a football game, I had to stay. My job was basically lab monkey simple. We had a list of all the local commercials that would play during the football game and in what order. I would pull all the carts, stack them up and then basically listen to the football game and cut in to play local commercials when needed. I also got to give station ID's but that was the extent of my talking. Luckily, this day there was no game.

I left the radio station early in the afternoon on a beautiful sunny day. The sky was blue, there were a few puffy clouds dancing around on the currents, and a nice stiff breeze that had the more cold-blooded residents in jackets and jeans. I didn't want to go home yet so I thought I'd take short drive out and go visit with one of my old high school classmates, Abby (not her real name either). I'm not sure why, honestly. I think it was because I had heard that she was going to be in town and I just wanted to see her. See, a year or two after we graduated, me and four girls from school spent a summer fucking around. No, not fucking, fucking around. We had great fun and it helped me get over my depression that I had suffered with. Anyway, Abby was one of the girls. She was going to school at Baylor University in Texas and was supposed to come back for a visit. I arrived at her family's house to talk to her, but she wasn't there. I can't recall if she had been there and had had to leave early, or if she was out doing something else with other people, but the point is she wasn't there. And this is where my "relationship" with Robbi begins.

Well, that's it for now. I'm going to keep you guys wanting for more. Sorry this is pretty laden with boring details, but now that that's all out of the way, I can actually get into the actual story in my next entry. This will probably end up being, at the least, a 2-parter. Kind of in the style of Uberhamster's "Lilac Chronicles". So, I've got a lot ahead of me. Delve further into the story of Robbi and a new diary layout. At least I'm feeling the old, child-like excitement about updating that I used to feel when I first started this thing. Check back for the next few entries. There's going to be a few changes coming. Just hope they're for the better.

Take care.

Icebear

 

 

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