I thought I had a tough weekend, but it doesn't come close to comparing to what Harbinger went through. I'm so sorry, Mandy. I hope that you can get a reign on your feelings, what with seeing him one last time and the emotions that brings and then all the shit with the will and how he's cut off your father and mother and the anger that brings. I know it's probably the last thing you really wanted to deal with. I don't pray, but I'll be thinking about you and I'll light a candle for you. You have my support.

Sorry to start off on a sad note, but I just don't feel too cheerful today and as I was catching up on my diary reading, I saw where Harbinger's grandfather had passed and knew, somewhat, what she was feeling. I've lost 3 of my 4 grandparents (both grandmothers and my grandfather on my dad's side), and my grandmother on my dad's side was the hardest. A little data. My mother and father both went to the same high school, in the same town where I grew up and went to school. Of course, by the time I went to HS, it was in a completely different place than where my parents went. My mother lived on a farm, quite a way out of town and my father and his parents lived in town (they had lived on a farm a while, but moved to town because my grandfather, Benny, was the town Sheriff). Well, when my sister and I were old enough to go to school, we were always dropped off afterwards at my grandma Lena's (my dad's mom). See, my grandpa Benny died from Cancer when I was 5 so I didn't really get to know him and afterwards, my grandma lived alone and she kind of latched onto me.

My dad has an older brother, Robert (my real Uncle Bob), but Bob moved to Ohio and lives there with his wife and 2 sons. Since my sister and I were closer to grandma, she kind of took to us a bit better than my cousins Brian and Brent. I'm not sure why, but out of the two of us, my sister and I, grandma latched onto me the strongest. Not only did she live in town, where the elementary school was, but she lived just up the hill from the school itself, maybe five minutes drive if that. I remember one day ripping the crotch out of my jeans and being really embarassed. When I told my music teacher, she drove me to grandma's. Grandma sewed my pants up and I walked back to school, it was that close.

Every afternoon, the bus would stop right out front of grandma's and my sister and I would get off and head to her house where we'd wait for my parents to get off work. As soon as we'd walk in the door, we were spoiled. My sister had a thing for peanut butter and crackers and my grandmother would have a plate of peanut butter and ritz crackers ready and waiting. I was the really spoiled one. I would walk into the living room and there would be a pillow on the floor in front of the TV, which was turned to cartoons, and after I got settled, grandma would bring me a cheese sandwich (my fave, with big thick slices of sharp chedder from a block, not those shitty Kraft singles) and a soda. All I had to do was ask and grandma would go get me something. I didn't realize, however, at that age how much grandma doted on me. I didn't understand it.

It wasn't until many years later that I realized how much grandma meant to me. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew grandma was diabetic. I would spend the night with her every Friday night when I was younger (it was a tradition almost) and in the mornings, I would sit and watch quietly as she administered her insulin shot and then made me breakfast. As she got older, she developed severe heart problems that resulted in her finally having a pacemaker installed. In the early 90's she had surgery, for what, I don't know, but they ended up having to put a tube in her side that would become a permanent fixture. It was to drain something, I'm not sure what. What I am sure of is that it's what ended up taking her from me.

The area where the tube was became infected, despite her diligent cleansing regimen. I remember that it was around '92 or '93 because I was living by myself for the first time. Yeah, I'd been in college for a few years, and had lived in an apartment, but my parents were paying rent and stuff. This is the first time I was on my own, paying all my own bills. I remember because my bestest bud 'Topher and I were playing Magic: The Gathering when my dad called and said that grandma was in the hospital. We went up to see her and she didn't look too good. Of course, she'd had tough times before, but this was different. I knew things were bad because Uncle Bob and Aunt Betty (yes, Bob, Betty, Brian, and Brent...the 4 B's...that's how they signed X-mas cards and shit....heeee) had driven from Ohio the night before and were at the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for a while with everyone and talked to her. She seemed to brighten up when I was there, but I still didn't realize how important that was. I was in my early 20's, 21 or 22 maybe, and wasn't really thinking about things like that. Stupid, stupid me. Anyway, I head back home, worried, but hoping she'll be ok. I can't recall right now if it was that night or the night after, but I do remember that 'Topher and I were playing Magic again when dad called me. They had been in her room all day and she just seemed to be getting a little worse as the day went on. Around dinner time, she told them to go get something to eat, and after a little argument, they headed down to the hospital cafeteria. They ate quickly and were gone 30 minutes at best. When they came back, she was peaceful. She was quiet. She was calm and relaxed. She was gone.

I had the honor (and yes, it was a great honor) to be a pallbearer for her funeral. Things were tough for me at family night at the funeral home. I broke down a couple of times, but was able to hide myself. Had to be a man you see. Couldn't let people see me crying like a sissy. Like I said, stupid me. The funeral was a bit easier. I sat in silence on the right side of the church with the other pallbearers. At the time the church was split up into 3 sections of pews (left, middle and right) instead of the 2 sections with one middle aisle that they have now. So, the mourners and family sat in the center and left sections and the pallbearers and my mother sat on the right. My mom is a talented and wonderfully gifted piano and organ player so she sat with us so that she could get to the organ (which was on the right) easily and not cause a distraction. Again, I had to be the man. I sat the whole time choked up, but never cried. I couldn't breathe either becuase my throat was so choked up, but at least I didn't cry. I was able to make it. Until...

I'm sure most of you are familiar with funerals, but just in case they do things differently in the 'big cities'. Funerals in Warsaw consisted of 3 stages. The first stage was called 'family night' and was basically a viewing at the funeral home. Friends and family could come and pay their respects informally and also, people who would not be able to make the services could come and express their condolances. This was the day before. The next day was the church service, with the deceased placed at the front of the church and the minister saying a few words. The person who spoke at grandma's funeral was Doug Gripka. He started out as youth leader at our church and had become a great friend of my family and of mine. He knew grandma very well and did a wonderful job remembering her. I don't think I ever said it so I'll say it now. Thank you, Doug. I'm sure grams was looking down and smiling on you.

After the church service was the graveside service. Not everyone had to attend and some didn't, but most of the funeral goers would proceed to the cemetary where the grave had already been prepared. We would carry the casket out to the hearse and then all the pallbearers would ride to the cemetary following the family. We then carried the casket to the grave where we placed it on the mechanism that would lower it into the grave. There would be a row of chairs set up in front of the casket where the family would sit. Doug again said some wonderful words, the minister said a few things and then everyone went through, between the casket and family, and expressed their sympathy to the family. The pallbearers went first. Of course, I was the last pallbearer. In the first chair was my mother with my dad standing behind her. I hugged mom and then moved on. Next was Aunt Betty with Uncle Bob behind her. Again a hug, and then one for Uncle Bob. That's when he lost it. He just broke down and the tears came. It was hard for me to hold back, but I did. On down the line I went until I came to the next to last person. My Aunt Leta. I called her Aunt, but I'm not sure what her 'official' title would be. She was my grandmother's sister. I leaned over to hug her, and ever so softly, she turned to me and said, "You were always her favorite." And then it hit me...

The floodgates opened and with the strength of rivers they flowed. I cried. No, I sobbed. Great heaving, sobbing breaths. I cried so hard I couldn't stand back up. My dad had to come to the end of the line, help me straighten up and then walked me away about 20 yards where I just blubbered and cried until I my face was red and my shirt was soaked with tears. After about 5 minutes, I was able to regain my composure and return to some semblance of normal. My dad had already gone back to the 'line' so I was standing there alone, composing myself. About 10 minutes later, Sandy and Duane Morris came through the line. They worked for my dad at his Sears store, had even gotten married there, and were considered part of the family, even though they weren't related. Sandy came up to give me a hug and I broke down again. She just stood there and held me tight, almost like a mother, until I stopped. She had a huge wet spot on her dressed and I apologized profusely, but she just smiled, shrugged it off, gave me another hug and said to forget about it. The rest of the day is a fog.

So, almost 20 years after my grandfather Benny died, my grandmother was laid to rest next to him. The first time I went to her grave with my mom to put new flowers out (something she and grandma did for grandpa on a regular basis every year since he died) it was so odd to look at the headstone and see that second date. I had gone with my dad and grandmother to pick out the headstone after gramps died. I had gotten so used to seeing the blank spot under her birthdate that that first time was a shock. And those words still ring in my ears just as if Leta was here saying them: "You were always her favorite." Damn.

My grandmother on my mom's side passed away in '98 and it too was hard on me. I was here in FL and was headed back to see her in the hospital. She died the day before I was to arrive. I felt like god was playing some sick prank on me. That's why he/she and I don't get along too well now and probably never will. Anyway, the only one left is Leland, my grandfather on my moms's side. He's in his late 80's if not already in his 90's and he's not doing too good. In fact, while my grandmother was in the hospital dying, he slipped on the ice and broke his hip. He was in the hospital the same time she was. Except he came home...she never did. I've decided that, this weekend, when I go back to visit, one of the first things I'm going to do is take Icebear Jr. over to see him. My grandmother died without ever getting to see her new granddaughter (my wife) or her new great-grandson (Demonchild). I want him to be able to hold his great-grandson before he's gone. I need to do that for him...and for me.

Shit. Sorry about this entry. Didn't mean to be such a downer. I had just planned on expressing my sympathies to harbinger and then prattling on about how I'm jealous of Waterbelle and Elf because they got to go to Ren Fair. I haven't been to one in over 6 years. I miss it. But as I was saying, I hadn't planned on going on like this. I just started typing and everything flowed out. I guess I just wanted to show proof that I know how Mandy feels. How pathetic am I?

Oh well, I'm going to stop now. But, before I go, I've got to share something with you guys. It's a song I heard on Much Music the other day. Much Music is kind of like MTV and they have a show called Loud, where they play mostly metal and hardcore and stuff. Anyway, they played the video for this song and it just hit me. It's so cool. So, click on the download button below and download the mp3. It kicks ass, and it kind of goes with the mood of this entry. The song is by Pist*On and is called "Grey Flap". Check it out.

Till next entry, remember, the 'Bear loves ya. Oh, and Sporky. Someday you and the 'Bear have got to get together and hang out and knock back a Guinness or ten.

"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"

Icebear

previous - next