I followed a link today from Uberhamster's Hamster Empire to Bobby and his perceptions. Very, very intelligent lad for 19 years old. He's the kind of person I want to have as a friend, always thinking about things in different ways, helping to keep your view of the world just slightly skewed so that you don't fall into the trap of conformity. Of course, I'd also probably want to beat him up all the time because I'd just feel so fuckin' stupid compared to him. Anyway, he has a very good diary, go check it out.

I thought I'd take a break from my normal, boring dribble and try something a little different. I thought I'd share some of the things I've learned in my near 29 years of life, from fatherhood, college, and the 'real world'.

1. How late you are to class is inversely proportional to how close you live to campus.

2. How boring, monotonous, and completely mind-numbing your professor is is directly proportional to the importance of the class to your major.

3. In that same vein, the more important the class to your major (excluding art), the more foreign and intelligible your professor will be.

4. No matter how still you hold your hand, your 4-year-old will only be able to really 'give you five' 1 time in 50.

5. Conversely, no matter which way your standing, he will be able to 'accidentally' hit you in the testicles 9 times in 10.

6. Infants don't like baby food directly from the jar. They like it better after you've scraped it off their: clothes, seat, the floor, the wall, your 4-year-old.

7. You can be staring right at your child but he will still stand there going, "Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?" until you verbally answer him.

8. There's no pain or sadness too great that it can't be fixed with a hug, kiss, and cartoons.

9. Cartoons are good no matter what language they're in.

10. If you laugh when mommy and daddy laugh and stare intently at the computer screen, then you get the joke too...even if you can't read.

11. Russian Civilization class is great nap time.

12. After marriage, no matter how much you kiss ass, you're still wrong.

13. Never under any circumstances, comment on how nice another woman's breasts are to your wife, even if she pointed them out first and asks your opinion.

14. "I changed the last shitty diaper!" is not a valid excuse.

15. The number of diapers and wipes you have left is inversely proportional to the amount of poo the baby has just made.

16. Also, the number of diapers/wipes you have left is inversely proportional the balance of your bank account.

17. Just because your wife is bisexual does not mean that she's willing to sleep with every woman that you think is hot

18. The more you need the money and want to get it in the bank, the later in the day you'll receive your paycheck.

19. No matter how perfect your punctuality is at work, the one day you're late is the day your boss is paying attention.

20. No matter how much of a man you are, you WILL CRY at the sight of your baby being born.

21. All you have to do is dress your child in clothes you think are "cool" three times before you will be relieved of the duty.

22. When playing slapping/punching games with your wife, no matter how soft you hit nor how big you smile, she'll still hit you with near all her strength.

23. No matter where he learned it from, you will be blamed for your 4-year-old walking up to women and 'feeling them up'.

24. "Ha! I beat your pathetic ass again!" is NOT an appropriate victory cheer when competing with your wife...at anything.

25. Beating your wife at video games will get you slapped.

26. Letting your wife win at video games will get you slapped.

27. Internet porn is not considered 'acceptable material' to be viewed at the workplace.

28. Don't let your bosses know you have memberships to adult websites...they'll use them after work and tie up your username and password for hours.

29. No matter how pissed off you are at him, when you put your 4-year-old to bed and he asks you to 'make sure mommy and Icebear Jr. don't go away', your heart melts.

30. Babies know exactly when you're wearing your favorite shirt and spit up double the normal amount when you burp them.

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