First a little history of GWAR:

Millions of years ago, an roving band of space pirates terrorized the galaxies. They were known as The Scumdogs of the Universe. One of their elite members was a being by the name of Oderus Urungus. Oderus and his ragtag band of misfits, named GWAR, were kicked kicked out for gross insubordination and imprisoned on a mudball planet, Earth. They subsequently killed off all the dinosaurs and created the human race by mating with prehistoric apes, before they were imprisoned in a tomb in Antarctica. Eons later, Sleazy P. Martini, known drug pusher, pornographer, and record exec. for Capitalist Records was chased out of the country and was shot down in a daring air chase over Antarctica where he, as you guessed it, stumbled across the tomb of GWAR awaking them. Using his silver toungue to persuade them to come back to New York with him, he signed them as his 'next great act'. And the rest is history.

As you might guess, it's all a big joke, and it's a good one. GWAR used to be called a 'metal parody' band, but today they're just a band. They wear outrageous foam rubber costumes (that look real), carry enormous foam rubber weapons (that look real), and during their shows they behead, disembowel, and kill various humans on stage all in the name of fun. If you ever have a chance to go see them, don't miss it.

Anyway, it's around '91 or '92 and I'm in community college at play rehersal when one of my best friends tells me that GWAR is playing in Columbia, MO (which is about an hour and a half or so from where we are), and he's getting tickets. I had been into GWAR for a while, knew who they were, and was excited to have a chance to see them. So, we get tickets, plan to meet up after play rehearsal the day of the show and head out.

After what seemed like a pretty quick drive, we get to Columbia, find The Blue Note and park. We had to park about 5 minutes away since it's a pretty small club and it's in the middle of a block so there was no direct parking. It's about 20 degrees outside, but we leave our coats in the car because we don't want to mess with carrying them around. Besides, it's a well known fact that audiences at GWAR shows get sprayed with everything from urine and semen, to blood (all fake of course) and we didn't want to ruin them. Good idea...and a bad one.

We get to The Blue Note and there's already a line forming outside. Our tickets say the show is supposed to start at 7:00, it's about 6:30 and the doors are locked. So, we stand outside, in 20 degree weather, with the wind whipping up and down the street in jeans and t-shirts for an hour and a half before they finally let us in. The show doesn't start until 8:00. Well, as soon as we get in, me, my bestest best friend Christopher and my other best friend Scott all head right to the front of the stage. We're off to stage right, not center, but who cares, we're right up front! This would come back to bite us in the ass later.

The opening band was one that I had read about in like Rip or Hit Parader magazine but I had never heard any of their songs, Flipper. They weren't too bad, but everyone was there to see GWAR and didn't really pay them much attention. They looked like a bunch of filthy trailer trash and I guess barely had enough budget to tour. The guitar player broke a string during one song. I know, big deal right? Just get another guitar. Well, apparently, the P.O.S. Fender Strat that he had was the only guitar he had because they finished the song without him and then waited around for about 10 minutes while he restrung it and retuned it. The highlight of their show was about ½ way through their set when two girls came on stage, one on the right and one on the left, both in t-shirts and thongs and danced around the rest of the set. The bad part was that the one with the great body and nice ass was on the opposite side of the stage that we were on and the one in front of us was a chubby, skanky, version of Kelly Bundy. She was creepy in her leather thong with thumbcuffs in the back (yes, thumbcuffs). And what's worse? She singled me, yes, yours truly, out of the crowd as the one she wanted to dance for and kept sticking her cellulite ridden, pimply ass right in my face and making 'come hither' gestures with her hands. I just tried to watch the girl on the other side of the stage and pretend I didn't see her. Didn't work too well, and I got a lot of ribbing from my friends later. But it was over soon enough.

The bad thing about our spots (there were no seats, it was standing only) was that just off to our left, as we faced the stage, about 50 feet was the door to the outside. I guess you could call it the stage entrance. Well, GWAR apparently had too much equipment to keep on stage while Flipper were on so they had to store some of it outside until Flipper was done. So, we're all hot and sweaty now from being crammed together like sardines, moshing a bit and what have you, and then someone opens the 'stage door' so that Flipper can take their shit out and a blast of 10 degree wind hits us square in the face. It felt good...for about 3 seconds. Then we started getting a bit cold. Once they were out, the GWAR crew started carrying shit in. Various amps and speaker stacks, props and the like and a couple of things that caught my attention. It took like 2-3 guys to carry them. Big, white, pill-shaped cannisters. I only got a quick glace at them, however, and they piqued my curiosity. But who cares, GWAR was doing soundcheck and getting ready to rock.

As the warmth, and feeling, slowly started to creep back through our bodies, GWAR took the stage in all their wicked glory. Time for debauchery! Our spots in front of the stage had us staring directly up at the monstrous visage of Beefcake The Mighty and his blasting bass. Behind him, we could see the dinosaur skulled shoulder pads and red face of Flattus Maximus tuning his guitar. Scanning across the stage, our eyes pass over parts of Jizmak Da Gusha hidden behind his drum kit, on over to Bälsäc the Jaws of Death tuning his guitar as well. As everyone began to get set, out struts Oderus Urungus followed by our goddess and mistress of pain Slymenstra Hymen. Of course, last but not least, out trots the Sexecutioner. Various slaves wandered the background and behind stage and off to the right we caught a glimpse of Sleasy P. Martini in all his plastic glory. This was going to be fun!

Sadly, I can't remember the order of the songs but a good time was had by all. This was around the time of the album America Must Be Destroyed (or maybe This Toilet Earth) so they played some songs off that album and then covered the old stuff from the Scumdogs of the Universe and Hell-o albums. We also found out what those big, white cannisters were. Apparently, they were pressurized water tanks. During various songs, we would see clear tubes that lead from the tanks back (side) stage being hooked to fixtures on costumes for various effects. For example, during the show, Slymenstra (praise be the goddess!) performs a 'fire dance' (that's what I call it). It looks like something those guys do at Hawaiian restaurants where they spin the flaming batons. She does this erotic dance with a flaming baton which is incredible. During her dance, we notice one of these clear hoses being dragged over and hooked to her codpiece. She ends the dance by squatting down and spraying the crowd with 'mentsrual blood' (hey, I never said they were saints), which is just water with red dye in it shot though the clear tube. Pretty interesting effect. Anyway, being off to the side of the stage, we weren't getting sprayed much and were getting annoyed. If we had known then what we know now, we would have been much happier, because when Sleazy came out to do his trademark song Slaughterama he taught us a lesson that is frozen (literally) in our minds.

Slaughterama is a 'game show' where "people bet their lives to win something big, cuz when your life is shit, then you haven't got much to lose". It's 'what the people want' ("the senseless slaughter of the gutter slime that litters this nation for cash and prizes"). Anyway, they bring out various contestants like "a big, smelly hippy", "an art fag", and "a nazi skin head" and ask them questions, which of course they don't let them answer and then do something violent to them like shoot them in the head with a shotgun or tear their face off. The best one, however, is the nazi skin head, who gets decapitated spraying blood everywhere. Anyway, this night, they had replaced the nazi skin head with the Pope (being political or something). Basically, this guy comes out with a fake head and shoulders over his own (and yes, you can tell it's fake) and then they cut his head off with a big rubber axe. After the head comes off, they start pumping this high pressure water through a tube in the neck and bend him over spraying the audience like some kind of obscene lawn sprinkler.

Well, since this is Sleazy's song, he's roaming the stage and comes over to our side where we're belting out the lyrics right along with him. And he notices something. We're dry. We haven't been sprayed yet. So, what does he do? He points directly at me and Christopher and yells, "Over here! Hit these guys!" We're going to get sprayed! We're going to get sprayed! Here comes the headless guy! He's aiming at us! We're getting sprayed! WE'RE FUCKIN' FREEZING!!!! See, we learned something that night. Big, metal tanks full of water, sitting outside in 20 degree weather for over an hour tend to cool off and stay cold for quite a while. When that jet of colored liquid hit Christopher and I squre in the chest and face, I swear we went numb from the brain down. We just stood there like two statues trying to get our breath, hoping no one would bump into us and break off a frozen limb or something. With a wicked smile, Sleazy turns and strolls back across the stage, our frozen breath in his wake.

But that wasn't the worst. Later on a 'slave' comes over wearing a big, fake penis and 'pisses/ejaculates' on us again and again. By the time the show was over, we were drenched with ice-cold water and red dye. But it was fun. After the show, we waded back through the crowd, through the plastic covered hall (yes, they were prepared...every inch of the Blue Note within 15 feet of the stage was covered in heavy plastic...heehee) and met with members of the band. See, after playing a full set, they went back stage and took their costumes off (some replacing them with more humorus ones) and came back out as RAWG, GWAR's cover band. So, after everything was over, they stood around and met the fans and it was totally cool. Christopher, Scott, and I all went up to Slymenstra Hymen (a real hottie out of make-up) and told her we wanted to have her children. She smiled and muttered something to us that we couldn't catch over the ringing in our ears and then we were pushed on. On the way out I got a cool GWAR shirt that I still have, and then we headed to the car. Of course, that was hell as well, because we were still soaked and it was 20 degrees outside with a very stiff wind. I don't think the three of us have run that fast before or since. The trip home was a complete blur of "did you see when...?" and "I loved it when..." all of us talking at once and laughing and just totally excited.

We stopped at a rest stop on the way home so that those of us who thought ahead, sorry Scott, could change clothes. Christopher's jeans were almost completely pink (the dye wasn't real strong and was diluted with water so...) and my shirt and pants were red and pink. We vowed never to wash them again. After the quick change, we headed back to the community college, where we had left Scott's truck and my car parked behind the Yeater Building in the staff parking lot (hey, being in the play has it's priveleges).

But our excitement wasn't over yet. As we pulled onto the road that went behind the student union and on into the parking lot where our cars were, we didn't notice that we were followed by a cop. We piled out of Christopher's car, me heading to mine, Scott already in his and starting it up to get it warm when we see the flashing red lights reflecting off the building ahead of us. Shit! What'd we do. Turns out that they've had reports of vandalism and stuff at the school and no one was supposed to be parked there that late at night. It was past midnight. Well, we explained to the cop where we had been and that we were students here. He took one look at Scott's 'bloody' pants and I thought, "Oh shit, we're going to jail and they're going to pin some unsolved murder on us." He just made a disgusted face and said something about listening to real music like Hank Williams or some shit. I snickered, which got me a nasty glare, but he climbed back into his squad car and left. We headed home about 10 minutes later.

It was one of the best, if not the best concert experience I've ever had. All the others I've been to have been in arenas or amphitheaters and I've not been anywhere near as close to the stage. At one point, I reached out to touch Beefcakes fake foot and he just shook his head and mouthed "Please don't touch me". I just pulled my hand back, he smiled and nodded to me, seeming to say, "Finally, one with a brain who will listen." After that, he seemed to come toward us more and let us be part of the experience. Thanks, Beefy! It was a fun time and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to see them live. I haven't had any more since then, but when I do get the chance, I'm there baybee! Of course, it won't be as fun unless Christopher and Scott go.

Anyway, sorry for this long-ass entry. I tried not to be as detailed as I ususally am so that it wouldn't be so long, but it still turned out to be a 'moby dick'er'. Oh well, hope you enjoyed it. If so, let me know by signing my guestbook or by leaving comments in my analyzer. If you have any GWAR experiences of your own, put them down and share them. I'm proud to say I'm a GWAR slave! Till next time.

"And so the pleasure barges rolled to the sun,
Pleasantly bloated, we mingled as one
Amidst debris of debauchery
I looked
for Lilly
and just
found
ME"

- GWAR, "Guilded Lilly"

Icebear