I've been doing some pondering today and am in kind of a blue funk. At first I was trying to think of quippy and humorous ways to tell about my weekend, but the truth is, nothing really happened. I sat around Saturday and Sunday, was sick yesterday and spent most of the day in bed and today I've got about as much energy and pick up as a three-toed sloth. My problem is a simple one, however. I've been reading diaries. Why does that make me blue? Simple. All the diaries I read are so much better than mine. They're so insightful, observant, entertaining, NOT DULL. Many people are delving into their pasts, dragging their skeletons kicking and clacking out into the light of day one by one. Many are reliving past moments and glories with an intensity that you feel like you were there. Me, I just recap what I did the day before (and the day before that) and try to inject a little humor into it, but fall rather short.

I wish I had Uncle Bob's sense of humor. I wish I had Uberhamster's eloquence and story telling ability. I wish I had Bigboy's power of self observation and insight. There are others as well: The Fool, Waterbelle, Skitch/Sporky. I read their diaries and the way they'll turn a phrase or make a comment is not only humorous but intelligent. You can see the mind behind their madness. Me, I'm like the 4-year-old who can't stop telling fart jokes and laughs too hard at the punchline. I feel that most of my stuff is sophomoric at best. And I'm older than all of those listed above save Uncle Bob and Uberhamster. I guess that's the kicker.

My bestest of best friends, Iago was like them. He's intelligent, witty, quippy, and insightful. I always felt like he was the smarter of the two of us, which I'm sure is true. He's well-read (whatever the FUCK that means). He's a genius at mythology and other subjects that I wish I could carry on a conversation about. It's not that he made me feel stupid, or that he even did. It's just that I compared myself to him a lot and made myself feel stupid.

I wish I was well read, but I'm not. I wish I could quote passages from books and sound intelligent while doing so. I do remember one bright shining moment in high school, however. My senior year of school, I had an English Lit class. I can't remember if it was college credit or not, I had a few of those that year. Anyway, we had read a story in class, which for the life of me I can't remember, but our task was to rewrite it as a play. It wasn't long by any means so it wasn't like we were rewriting Moby Dick or what have you. I remember, after reading the story, getting an idea in my head and just going with it. I rewrote the whole thing in about an hour and a half, non-stop. I don't even recall changing it much from my first draft. I turned it in and the next day, the teacher stood in front of the class, held up my paper, looked me in the eye and said, "If this wasn't already a story that had been published, I would not hesitate to send it to some contacts I have for publication." Talk about an ego boost. And now, I can't even remember the fuckin' story. How sad is that?

And again, I go from possibly having a somewhat interesting diary entry to yet another ramble. I need to practice on focusing my thoughts and attention on one subject. It's almost like my mind is this spinning vortex with all these different topics flying wildly around in it. As I begin to do an entry, I start grabbing haplessly at whatever passes by and add it to the entry. Sometimes, I'm lucky and topics that are somewhat related pass within my grasp and I can put together a somewhat coherent entry. Other times, I go back and read what I've written and I think, "Where the fuck did that come from?" Broken, disjointed, half-finished thoughts. I can't seem to stay focused on anyone thing for a long enough period of time. Sure, I have my moments of lucidity, but more often than not, it's a 'grab-and-go' scenario.

I've been reading through Bigboy's archive, catching up with the rest of the world and I'm in awe by some of his entries. I've experienced a whole range of emotion while reading about the ups and downs that he's faced both recently and in the past. I wish I could put a fraction of that emotion into my entries, but mostly I just end up using the word 'fuck' a lot and being belligerent. I also try to throw in a lot of ¢50 words to make myself sound intelligent, but I really don't know how to use them and probably just come across rather ignorant.

Come join my pity party? Heh. Anyway, I've added an Analyzer to my diary. So, go and tell me how pathetic/not pathetic you think I am. Be nice, be mean, I don't care, JUST BE HONEST! Don't kiss my ass, and don't flame me, just be honest. That's all I ask. I'll try to have a better entry tomorrow. I've been thinking of telling about one of my greatest concert experiences, the time I went to see GWAR live. Good times were had by all. Tune in tomorrow.

To steal (and alter) from Skitch/Sporky: "Via con Diablos"

"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"

Icebear

previous - next